why?
by koneko maxwell
Summary: ken is pondering life in general.. kinda angsty.. R&R please!!!


please ignore the fact that nothing is capitalizes, but it's 3:30 in the morning, so i refuse to even attemp it out of sheer laziness.  
  
disclaimer: i dont own weiss kreuz, as cool as that would be. if you bothered to sue me, all you would get is some pocket lint and a half eaten box of strawberry pocky: hardly worth the legal fees, ne?  
  
~koneko  
  
why?  
  
i look around, finding myself surrounded by multitudes of obnoxious fangirls and i really have to wonder why. i mean, what is so special about me? i mean, really though. what is so damned special about a guy working in a flower shop? i'm not exotic looking or beautiful like aya, not kawaii like omi, and i know i'm nothing like yohji who exudes confidance and sex appeal. i'm just me. hidaka ken. i play soccer, im a total klutz when it comes to anything else, my features are common enough. when i asked the others, i was told that it was because i was honest, kind, lovable and sweet.. open your eyes people! i'm an assassin, for chrissakes! im not honest, becausefor one thing, i live a double life, and for another, i never tell anyone the total truth about myself.. actually, come to think of it.. i dont tell anyone anything about myself. nobody asks. i'm not kind.. how could a kind person do what i do for a living and not hate themselves afterwards? and how did they come up with the lovable thing? i cant even see where that one came from - oddly enough, aya was the one that told me i was lovable.. there's something to ponder next time i get a few hours to myself.. the sweet thing i can maybe see.. but i only have the paitence to be like that around children - only because they dont know any better : im no child molestor or anything like that, in fact, i think people that even think of children in that way should be made into eunichs and locked away for the remainder of their lives. the real main reason i like kids so much is that they are so innocent, not in the 'oh no, you said a bad word, i'm gonna tell my mommy' sense of the word, but in the way that no matter what happens to them, all it takes is a band aid on a scratch, or a hug , or ice cream, and everything is right with the world again. i wish is could still be like that.. ha.. now there's an amusing image, picture this: weiss gets back from an exceptionally rough mission, and the first thing we do is get the box of band aids for aya because he was shot at and a bullet grazed his shoulder, but we have to make sure that he gets the blues clues ones, because those feel better than just plain band aids. then, yohji decides that he's scared that he's gonna see ghosts of the people we killed and needs a hug from everyone so he can feel better. then you see me, and i look like i'm gonna cry because someone ate the last popsicle, and now i cant have one.. and then you see omi talking us all into getting into our pyjamas so that he can tuck us all into bed. now how was that for a trip to the twilight zone? it's kinda silly to picture assassins acting like that isnt it? but what might surprise you is just how often one of us wakes up wishing that our mommy was there to tell us that its alright, and that she would keep us safe, and to go back to sleep because she loves us. but that cant happen. none of us can have that happen for us. aya's parents were killed in an explosion in front of him, omi's mother killed herself after the man he knew as his father refused to pay his ransom money despite the fact that his kidnappers were asking for a sum of mone that was probably pocket change for him. my mother cant because as far as she knows, i am dead.. hell, by now, she's probably dead.. i honestly dont know about yohji's mother.. actually, out of anyone else, yohji has the best hidden past out of any of us.. the only thing we know about his life before wiess is that he used to be a detective and his partner's name was asuka. that's it for yohji.. maybe one of these days i'll corner him and ask him until he answers me.. if he doesnt want to tell me anything, i'll just annoy him until he tells me just so that i'll shut up. i've done it before. even aya cracks when i get into those moods. so far the only one who can ignore me for more than 45 minutes is omi. sometimes i fear for his sanity. by all means, he should be as insane as berzerker from swartz.. but maybe he is, and he just hides it better. i mean really though, he has to be unstable. look at it this way: he was kidnapped as a child, and held for a ransome which wasnt even that big as far as ransomes go, and the man he knew and loved as his father refused to pay it even though he could pay it off a dozen times over and not be very affected by the money loss. then, is rescued my a man who he knows as his uncle, but doesnt recognize due to amnesia, and raised to be an assassin. yes, he was actually raised to believe that it was okay to kill people and enjoy it as long as he was told to by manx or birman or persia, or someone else in that chain of command. then, after finally getting over not knowing who he was, someone from his old life shows up andhe finds out that he is blood related to the enemy. like really, having to kill your own brothers has got to be traumatizing.. i dont care who you are. if you can kill your own brothers and not falter, there has to be something seriously wrong inside your head. and if you add that to the fact that the only girlfriend that he ever had that we know of turned out to be his half sister, and have her die in his arms.. that should all add up to some serious time in a shrinks office and heavy depression, but less than a week later, and the kid's all smiles again. sometimes i find myself curious to know what goes in inside his mind, but then i remember how his smile never reaches his eyes, and think of the old saying 'curiousity killed the cat' the more i think about it, the more i find myself thinking that out of us all, aya is the easiest to get. hetrys to be detached because his parents died violently in front of him, and his only living relative is in a coma, and he doesnt want to get close to me, yohji, or omi because of the chance that we will die and leave him alone and heartbroken is too much for him. all very understandable. but i have strayed too far and too long away from my earlier question. why me? what makes me so appealing? i really would like to know. is it my ability to hide the bloodstains beneath grass stains? is it how i pretend to be the dumb jock when i am actually constantly in thought? or is it the fact that out of us all, i am the most brutal in my killing, but i still manage paitence with small children? why?  
  
~end~  
  
wow... i should sleep more...it's now 4:30..in the morning, no less..nighty night everybody.. i have to go beddy byes before my mommy gets mad at be for being awake so late again.. ~koneko 


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